Ah yeah -

I don't know what to say, and therefore probably shouldn't say anything.

Okay, against my better judgment, I'm going to post something personal. I don't know what I'm afraid of; no one reads this anyway...

I feel great. After months and months of psychological and emotional and physical turmoil, I feel fucking fantastic. Sure, modern medicine must have helped to an extent - all the SSRI's, the benzos, the beta blockers and several trips to the emergency psych ward... A stint doing heroin and drinking a liter of vodka a day... Missing work, laying in bed, unable to take care of myself, let alone the house I managed to purchase on my own... Feeling like a loser - even though that is not nearly a powerful enough word to express my utter contempt and disgust for myself. Every movement - be it thought or actually motility - was painful. The western medicine of "they make a pill for that" got me to the breakthrough point. I had an incident with a man I was with for too long, and slept for 36 hours straight. Slept so long my bed smelled like the greasy unpretty girl it held in its grip... Woke up, and had the energy to wash the stank off, go to work, and enjoy not wallowing in misery.

And then I found eastern medicine. Acupuncture. Cupping. Combined with massage and Chinese herbs. I went from somolecence to insomnia - and now my sleep is efficient and constant and refreshing. I feel FUCKING FANTASTIC. Ready to re-introduce Siobhan to the world. I'm still terrified, still scared that I'm not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat (and I am) to be loved. But s somewhere I know, someday, someone has to love me again, because goddammit - I'm a great person. I think - even though I may not have the elusive "charisma" I have even something better:

I listen, and I respond, and truly, I am a beautiful captivating person to behold.

Even if I'm too fat to be desirable and never have sex again. Its been 7 weeks. Welcome to my neurosis.