GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!!

I’m – you know what, I’m not even going to finish that sentence…

I had a revelation tonight, watching the TV, seeing someone’s dad saying how happy they were to welcome their daughter to the fam when she was born… And it hit me. Not that a lot of things haven’t “hit me” since entering into Jungian psychoanalysis… But my dad (ergo = men, or even more so, ergo = my self worth) completely abandoned my mom and me. We joined him in Dublin, and he was still a wank (and, by the way, still is).

My whole life I’ve rebelled against the trite psychology that is “because your dad left, you feel responsible.” Oh god, the shift is so SO subtle, can I even explain it?

Seeing this dad talk about the gift his daughter was to his family, I realized: it’s not so literal “I did something wrong” so much as it is that “there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me less than desirable…”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Doesn’t matter is Seebo is there or not, no big deal. Emotions are just a show or weakness, right? Ironic, in the saddest sense, in that I am the most sentimental (not in a cheesy way – don’t get me wrong) and sensitive of anyone of all time ever. Getting Hong Fu’ed – took me the better part of the morning not to question myself. And in that, accepting myself in some sort of way – its all humor. And – gasp – I just might be a cool and interesting person.

Regardless, in summation:

 I think of myself as a not-worthy commodity (wrongly, I recognize that, not looking for compliments, but it was a realization. Perhaps it’s my dad [sperm donor] that’s the wank, and not me after all…)
 Think I’m too talk-y, and might have lost a friend last night
 Need to dye my hair. Its been a minute, and its not red (that’s fer sure) but it’s not blonde again
 Stew Magoo might possibly be the hardest working man in show-business

S