Been putting this off, but this is as profound as its gonna get

I don’t know why I’ve been putting off writing about what I’ve been through the past couple of months, and how much I’ve grown. I’ve alluded to it, but really it has yet to be spoken of (and of course by “spoken” of I mean “posted” of). This blog deal was mostly used as a place for me to write about how bad everything was, oh woe is me, and how much I was hurting and boo hoo please tell me you love me because maybe if I keep taking and taking somehow this hole will magically be filled, and if nothing is offered for me to take, see, isn’t my life just awful – see, I don’t deserve anything. Sad. I just could not see that, like Dorothy, I had everything I needed the whole time.

I promise to not go all treatment on your ass.

But clearly – or not – I was gone on the 28 day vacay to the most wonderful place in the world. I loved – LOVED – every minute of rehab. It was the best thing I have ever done in my life. It truly opened my eyes, gay and cheesy though it may sound. I’m a totally new person – a bit more fragile, perhaps, than in my former days - but now airborne! I can’t cure myself of this disease, but I can manage it. And it is my responsibility to manage it. I’m completely okay, just as I am. I know that sounds silly, but I never ever believed that. This is a primary, progressive, chronic and fatal disease. My brain is just different. It is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. And I don’t have to live like that anymore.

Waking up in the morning remembering the night before sure beats the hell out of wondering what sort of a mess I was going to have to clean up, both literally and figuratively. Constantly telling myself what a loser I was, and what jerks the rest of the world was for not giving me what I wanted when I wanted it. God, to think about how much I just wanted to die – I don’t want to die. I just couldn’t live like that any longer, and to be completely honest I was killing myself, slowly. Now I know I am not alone, and there is tremendous strength to be found in numbers.

I used to not get this whole “strong” thing. I have figured out that being “strong” is not about being tough or bullet proof. Quite the opposite. Being “tough” is nothing more than weakness in disguise. Some things you can’t do without help, some things you can’t do alone, and somewhere in there, borne of the acceptance of your powerlessness, you realize that you are too strong (tearing up here – wow)… There is absolute strength in risking everything by reaching out and allowing yourself to be held up by people who are willing to jump into the hole with you, because they know the way out. By letting people take care of you and love you until you are ready to take care of and love yourself, embracing your imagined “weakness”, that is what strength is all about. It is a we program, not an I program. There is no reason to doubt – and every reason in the world to have faith – that people who have been there and know more than me can and will help.

There is no way someone who hasn’t gone through what I’ve gone through could ever understand how that feels. Thank god I was able to go to the “place” I was able to go to… Thank god for all the wonderful women I got to live with, who – somehow – finally were able to get through my thick mellon that I am loveable, and awesome, and strong. Please don’t read this and think I believe myself to be special - because I have learned that there was nothing special about my alcoholism and addictions – I simply mean the fellowship of recovery has to be experienced, it cannot be explained.

Goddamn - I am strong. I don’t have to live like that anymore. I’m a wonderful person, and my life will only get better. I have complete faith that it will, because I already see it changing. I don’t have to be cavalier anymore, or sarcastic - defending myself against imagined foes, or “tough” (or “cool”). I am happy now, and before I didn’t know what “happy” was (or fun, or serenity, the list goes on and on). I knew what I needed to do, and somehow through the grace of god found the courage to get it done. I completely surrendered. I asked for help. That is the strong thing to do. That is the brave thing to do, and most definitely that is the intelligent thing to do. To fight against something alone, never gaining any ground, is ridiculous. In fact, its more than ridiculous - its pathetic and pointless. So is blaming people or situations. So is allowing you to destroy yourself.

I have not been sober consecutively for 48 days since I was 14 and began using. 14. Emotionally I have a long way to go, I’m 14 in the body of a 31 year old. Progress, not perfection. I am starting to feel things, and its strange and not always pleasant, but its normal. Oh my god, I’m normal. What a freaking relief!!!

And here’s my favorite part:

THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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Yeah, I know. I used to think this shit was cheesy and stupid, that it was cultish and not for me. But you know what? I don’t even have to believe these promises are true, because I KNOW they are. I already recognize them coming true for me. Thank god.

Seebo rocks!