Did I mention

That staying present is hard right now? Because boy howdy lemme tell ya, staying present is hard right now.

It feels like its time to confront some [formerly] closeted skeletons. Things I've been working around for just about ever... You know, core issues. Things impeding my spiritual growth and serenity. Nothing trivial.

I hear I'm supposed to not do anything. I am, in fact, supposed to do nothing.

How the hell do I do nothing? Isn't doing nothing doing something? How can I judge whether or not I'm doing nothing right? Yes, that is indeed as retarded as it sounds.

That's my m.o. - Seebo, self-critical to the last drop! Now with 100% more introspection!

Ugh. Its sooo haaard. I feel like a whiny baby, and it does not escape me that perhaps that's because I'm being a whiny baby. However, that does not escape me that perhaps I should tell that self-critical voice that just said that to suck it.

And then - THEN - I think that I'm using too many "thats" and that's just not good writing.

My crazy addict mind can do so much with so little. I have a sponsor who told me to do nothing, "just pay attention to how you feel" - it would be amazing how many things my mind can do with a simple statement like that (grrr) if it weren't so frustrating.

So here I sit. Uncomfortable. Mind racing. Should I just go buy a g.d. pack of smokes already? Should I eat something? Should I just sit here and tell myself "this is what crazy feels like and it will pass" - like I was told to?

"Like I was told to" - interesting choice of words on my part.

You see, in my mind, at times like this, when I'm all unsure and uncomfortable and want to look around for something (anything!) I can do to change the situation in any way possible I feel like other people have a handle on this thing called life and so I go to them for some bit of wisdom and they throw me some little chestnut like "sit with the feeling" - something so seemingly innocuocus and simple and sensible and I take it and strech it and stomp on it, bite it and put it over there and see how it looks and then take it down and roll it around on the floor, smell it for a bit, kick it, poke it with a stick... I just can't let it be. I just can't let myself be.

Except that I will be critical of my choice of the word "can't" - because I am capable of sitting with this mental and emotional discomfort, but I - I dunno - borderline "won't" - is that a better word?

I know its my addict-mind telling me that everything I focus on needs some action attached to it. Unfortunately for me at the moment self knowledge is not enough. And inaction is driving me crazy. Going crazy might be an action... Ugh. And so it continues...

KBO