Sigh...

I was super worried that because I had declined the invite to October's lodge because I was in Ireland and then RSVP'd to a lodge in November that I had to cancel at the last minute due to family obligations, and since I had only received the cancellation notice (due to cold weather) for the January lodge that I had fallen out of the good graces of the group. But no - not so! YAY! There's a women's lodge in March and I'm so all over it. I've been wanting to go, I think I need to go. I was just thinking about it last night, in fact. Now I just have to figure out how many prayer ties I need... I want to say 50 some, but I can't for the life of me remember...

I'm having a hard time being present lately. And from what I understand being present is kind of what its all about. I know moving to Ireland isn't going to magically make life wonderful and exciting. But I'm not looking for wonderful and exciting really. Generally contented, which I am for the most part. There are areas in my life where I feel completely... I don't know... frozen? Stagnant? Frustrated at my inaction? Because how can you not get upset with yourself when you know what you need to do to change something, but then see yourself, over and over, doing the thing you know needs changing?

I operate out of fear a lot. A lot more than I'd like to. I really like my new apartment. I really love my animals. I really love my family and my homegroup and my neighborhood and the normalcy and stability... Maybe love is to strong a word. I mean, I love my family and my pets, but do I love normalcy and stability? I suppose I prefer them to abnormalcy and unstableness. There's just got to be more to life than this.

I'm a city girl. I don't know if I can do hard core rural. Granted, its rural Ireland, which is totally different than rural America. But there's not going to be a Starbucks or a DSW or a Macy's. Do I really need those things? No, I really don't. But its so comfortable to know they're around.

Comfort zones. I heart my comfort zones. And when I leave them I get all uncomfortable (and ascaredes).

I certainly don't want to entertain my ego by saying I just know I'm destined for greatness, but I feel it in me. Not "Greatness" as in the world will bow down before me, but personal greatness... Doing things I know I can do. Taking more out of life than just doing what I feel I'm supposed to cause its the responsible thing. Seriously. If I can pull off working with horses living in the crazy wild beauty that is county Clare, well, that's just freaking bad ass.

I worry (full stop) that I'll get there and let all this doubt creep in. Which brings me back to not staying present. I'm worried about whether or not I'll worry.

I suppose, to my credit, I do keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will happen. I recognize that thoughts aren't real and that I just need to let go of the illusion of control... But really, that's not an easy thing. My higher power probably isn't going to book my flight or rent me a flat... Or are they? Hmmm...