Posting from work - I'm a badass!

I’ve been thinking a lot about an old roommate of mine lately. He sent me an email back in March just to see what’s up and give me access to his blog (shudder, god I hate that word.) I have yet to respond.

I don’t know why. I could share my (again, shudder) blog with him. Truth be told I don’t really know what to say to him. I don’t like the idea of people not liking me or understanding me. I’ve had a craptacular year, full of horrendous badness and stupid decisions, followed by a general malaise and quiet sense of worthlessness that I’m just now getting over… I don’t really want to get in to that with him. Am I still mad about the way things ended? I don’t think so. We’re all bad people, we’re all good people, it doesn’t matter who did what worse to whom… I really don’t care to re-visit that time. It was sad, as endings usually are. But I do care about this friend, actually found myself really missing him last weekend. Maybe I just miss feeling like I can or should reach back out. I don’t know. Maybe I do in fact “know”, and I just don’t want to.

Maybe I don’t want to be judged. Maybe I feel like he won’t be able to understand some of the things I’ve done or had to go through. I don’t know why it should matter, its not like my very existence hinges on his opinion of me. And just maybe he’s one of the ones who actually has a good opinion of me?

Its stupid, really. I should have just emailed him back instead of sitting on it for months on end. Clearly it’s a big deal to me, though I really don’t know why. Honestly. We’re still friends; I just don’t think he knows that. Then again, maybe I don’t want to tell him right now either. I hope he understands. I feel like I’m stepping out into the world again, a little more tarnished (but then again a little more worldly) and I don’t want anything to be more confusing than it already is. Not that our friendship was confusing. Well, I couldn’t relate to the Britney fascination, but that is of little consequence…

What to do? Send him this link? Why not.