Why? Why do I do this to myself?

“It’s not you, but its not me either…”

Why is it that no one is around now, when I feel like I need people the most?

I was popular in high school, and after. When the phone rang, it was for me. Now I have a house, and my [abusive] man left me, and the phone never rings. I call my mom at least 3 times (after getting home from work) a night, just to have someone to tell stuff to. I say “tell stuff to” because that’s what it is. Its not that I need to talk (though I do) – I need to express myself, out loud and for reals.

Credit that “for reals” to teachingirl.

But she’s not there anymore either. I wish I could throw myself into this blog. I wish I could present dialectic arguments about my political beliefs versus that of the Evil Empire. I wish I could just puke out all this crap. But something is holding me back.

I want my phone to ring. So I spent 5 plus years with The Loser. At least then I always had plans, always had friends, the phone was always ringing… Was that because of him, and now that he’s gone, no one wants to talk to me. Not exactly, but sort of…

How do I do this? I’m so lonely. Am I really that selfish? As selfish as The Loser told me I am? Is it all about me? I don’t think so, but at the same time I need someone now. Someone to appreciate me. Someone who WANTS to talk to ME. I need my phone to ring, and have it be someone other than my mom. And I need to not drunk dial people, cause I always feel guilty – if they wanted to talk to me, they would call…

In all fairness, Cap’n called last night. Just on the off hand chance someone is reading this that isn’t teachingirl – Cap’n is a former boss, or as I like to think of him, the big brother I never knew I always wanted. Anyhoo – he calls. He cares. He’s married and a long long ways away and doesn’t come to visit.

Curses and damnation to the telephone machine. It is because of you and your spite that I feel lonely. And unwanted.

PS –

Still haven’t been kissed. As melodramaculous as it may seem, who’s to say that I won’t ever be kissed again? Now that’s depressing!