I find it no coincidence

That just now, outside at my office, a mourning dove flew very close to me overhead and perched on a tree a short distance away and cooed.

My great aunt died pretty tragically this past Saturday. My parents had driven down to Texas for a visit (as they are oft times wont to do in Spring) and when they arrived there were emergency vehicles everywhere. Apparently my great uncle had gone out to wash the car and when he came home he called out for my great aunt and she didn't answer... He found her face down in the pool. According to the homicide detective who came to the house yesterday, they determined the cause of death to be "accidental drowning" - which is awful, because it implies conciousness whereas we were thinking maybe she had a stroke or heart attack. Very sad.

I've been waiting for a sign - I've been patient, which must mean I'm maturing (crazy, no?) - figuring that she had a lot of family to visit and time to adjust, etc. etc... But I think that was it. Feels like it. Good enough for me.

Monday afternoons rock...

So tired. After lunch is my least favorite part of the day…

I went to a sweat lodge on Saturday. I haven’t been able to make it to one since last August. So different to sweat on frozen ground – it was very comforting. Muddy, but not so physically taxing. What a wonderful gift… I was listening to the prayers inside and I was just amazed – if you had told me five years ago where I’d be now… People really can change. I saw a hawk and an eagle on my way out there – and of course when I pulled up there were two crows waiting for me across from my car.

And now I feel off. This happened the first time I did a lodge. I didn’t remember it until last night – afterward I felt like somehow I was tuned up or tuned into the spirit world. I was seeing little black things darting around. To the point where I was sure, for example, my dog had gone from room A to room B… And he’s not a small dog – I mean these were good sized little shadows.

My dog: Darby – the black one on the right. Goofball…

Which I attributed to negativity that was going on around me and in my house. These little “things” that – I don’t want to say “feed” – are drawn to situations like that. Thrive in depression and darkness… They aren’t bad, that’s just how they are.

Anyhoo – yeah. I was wiped out when I got home Saturday evening. I had to fight to stay up until 8:30. I woke up Sunday and I was just… I don’t know. It wasn’t uncomfortable… I felt like I was high almost. Like I was swimming through my apartment, life, whatever. Physically. I took a nap which was more of a weird super comfy tossing and turning – strange images popping into my head. I woke up and I was shaky for about an hour.

Man, writing this out sounds crazy. I have to get over that.

Today I still feel off. My head really hurts and that’s not normal for me. Its almost like when I open these doors, things flood in and I don’t know whether or not to believe or trust myself. That its really happening, like. And certainly these things can’t be happening to me, Seebo. Sigh...

Eh. Hopefully this makes sense to some, and the others will hopefully find me charmingly endearing in my eccentricities…

Sometimes...

I wish I could just go live in a cave. Then I remember how much I hate bugs and bats and pretty much all things dirt and being dirty for extended periods of time and how I'd be scared of "cave-darkness" and I think maybe its not so bad...