You all don't even know...

Sigh.

I still don't know how to exactly explain how I feel. Crabby, irritated, just want to be left alone...

Its like the part of me that I've been wanting to kill is finally dying. Which should be a good thing, because whats left behind it the part of me that I want to flourish, but still I am going to miss that other part. And I don't know that I'm ready for it to go yet. But I'm too afraid to do anything about it.

Blah.

Oh, and something about how when we push ourselves to the point of annihilation we find the part of us that is truly indestructable... Sounds good. Guess I'm sort of on my way to some great dharma-zen spot. At least I hope so.

Can it be?

Is Seebo actually posting something? Why, yes, yes she is -

So. Yeah. Going to be going away here for about a month. Not entirely sure when, hopefully I'll know Friday. I have a lot that's been on my mind, and needless to say on my mind is kind of where I'd like all that to stay for the moment. Sometime soon, before I go, I really want to put some of it down here.

I don't know. Everything just seems so hard right now. I don't know what to do except not do anything, if that makes sense. It does to me. As long as I keep doing nothing, then I can't screw up.

Sigh. Day eight. I wonder if I can actually do this. I wonder if I will actually do this. I want to, but I also just want to screw up now and get the screwing up part out of the way.

Whatever. Those of you - if any - who read this might not have any idea what I'm talking about, but then again some do.

All I know is I just want to get going, so I can get on with this already. I have to remind myself not to think, and to lean into the pain as to maximize the growth potential. See? Just too much right now for me to put it all down.

S.