I find it no coincidence

That just now, outside at my office, a mourning dove flew very close to me overhead and perched on a tree a short distance away and cooed.

My great aunt died pretty tragically this past Saturday. My parents had driven down to Texas for a visit (as they are oft times wont to do in Spring) and when they arrived there were emergency vehicles everywhere. Apparently my great uncle had gone out to wash the car and when he came home he called out for my great aunt and she didn't answer... He found her face down in the pool. According to the homicide detective who came to the house yesterday, they determined the cause of death to be "accidental drowning" - which is awful, because it implies conciousness whereas we were thinking maybe she had a stroke or heart attack. Very sad.

I've been waiting for a sign - I've been patient, which must mean I'm maturing (crazy, no?) - figuring that she had a lot of family to visit and time to adjust, etc. etc... But I think that was it. Feels like it. Good enough for me.

Monday afternoons rock...

So tired. After lunch is my least favorite part of the day…

I went to a sweat lodge on Saturday. I haven’t been able to make it to one since last August. So different to sweat on frozen ground – it was very comforting. Muddy, but not so physically taxing. What a wonderful gift… I was listening to the prayers inside and I was just amazed – if you had told me five years ago where I’d be now… People really can change. I saw a hawk and an eagle on my way out there – and of course when I pulled up there were two crows waiting for me across from my car.

And now I feel off. This happened the first time I did a lodge. I didn’t remember it until last night – afterward I felt like somehow I was tuned up or tuned into the spirit world. I was seeing little black things darting around. To the point where I was sure, for example, my dog had gone from room A to room B… And he’s not a small dog – I mean these were good sized little shadows.

My dog: Darby – the black one on the right. Goofball…

Which I attributed to negativity that was going on around me and in my house. These little “things” that – I don’t want to say “feed” – are drawn to situations like that. Thrive in depression and darkness… They aren’t bad, that’s just how they are.

Anyhoo – yeah. I was wiped out when I got home Saturday evening. I had to fight to stay up until 8:30. I woke up Sunday and I was just… I don’t know. It wasn’t uncomfortable… I felt like I was high almost. Like I was swimming through my apartment, life, whatever. Physically. I took a nap which was more of a weird super comfy tossing and turning – strange images popping into my head. I woke up and I was shaky for about an hour.

Man, writing this out sounds crazy. I have to get over that.

Today I still feel off. My head really hurts and that’s not normal for me. Its almost like when I open these doors, things flood in and I don’t know whether or not to believe or trust myself. That its really happening, like. And certainly these things can’t be happening to me, Seebo. Sigh...

Eh. Hopefully this makes sense to some, and the others will hopefully find me charmingly endearing in my eccentricities…

Sometimes...

I wish I could just go live in a cave. Then I remember how much I hate bugs and bats and pretty much all things dirt and being dirty for extended periods of time and how I'd be scared of "cave-darkness" and I think maybe its not so bad...

Well whaddaya know?

Oh mah gosh I think I totally get it! I was driving home yesterday afternoon, or possibly walking to my car, I’m not sure when the exact moment of realization was, but I do remember talking to myself out loud about it in the car… Cause that’s how I roll. Quite literally, apparently….

Anyhoo – so this whole “sit with the pain” and “find ease in the pose” and “just acknowledge the discomfort and let it go” bullshit that’s been driving me crazy the last couple days – the whole “do nothing” business… I get it! Its totally what I did with smoking! Or with not smoking, asitwere.

I “quit” smoking on January 12th of this year. I say “quit” because #1) I smoked one cig around January 22nd and one cig this last Tuesday and b) (yes, I did that on purpose) I can’t say I “quit” – that I’m “done” – that “I will with 100% certainty never buy another pack of squares and smoke them and enjoy it ever again!” I’m not smoking now. I didn’t smoke yesterday.

Sort of very much like what I did with drugs and alcohol, except different. But similar. But different. I digress…

The first few days without my beloved Camel Turkish Silvers sucked. I pretty much just took to bed. My mentality was “its not a big deal, just don’t make this a big deal” – its gonna suck whenever I quit, and eventually one has to quit, so just do it and DO NOT make a big huge deal out of it cause that will do nothing but make it a BIG HUGE DEAL.

AND THAT’S IT! By the gods – that’s what all these crazy helpful people were trying to tell me. “Just acknowledge it and let it go” means, well, just acknowledge it! And then let it go! I just say (think) it different – Seebo, just don’t make it a big deal.

Because I know my mind. My mind (as is evidenced by the two previous posts) will seize on anything I happen to focus on much like a drowning man seizes anything floaty which happens to float by... Always forcing (or attempting to force) action where apparently no action is necessary. Not even action not being necessary, there IS no action to take. There is literally NOTHING that needs to be done. Bear with me here, I'm like just now getting it all over again - its like when the sun rises. Seebo doesn't need to take an action, it will just happen. And there we have the freedom that comes from recognizing our powerlessness, which is actually the most empowering thing of all... Ack! Its so beautifully, awesomely simple!

So when people tell me to just sit with the pain and I’m all like, “How? Really, HOW? Do I sit facing north-northeast? In an arm chair? Arms resting on the armchair or in my lap? Palms up or down? Are my eyes open or closed… Maybe I should put on some ‘sounds of the ocean’ or Gregorian chant – or would that be distracting…” – I’m making it a big deal. Eu-fucking-reka! I take everything so literally, and am so self critical, I feel like I need to know exactly what other people do (EXACTLY) so that I can do it to just like they did (because clearly they must know something I don’t), and if I just do it exactly right and perfect like they do then everything will work out perfectly and life will be perfect. Okay, so life won’t be “perfect” but it’ll be way more awesome than it is because clearly I am doing it wrong. Whatever “it” may be in any given situation.

How could I ever possibly live up to that expectation? I know I can’t. I know my mind’s default setting to that level of trying to maintain “perfection” (when in reality I am already perfect in my imperfection as the universe has planned me to be) is what’s not doing me any favors. Winston Churchill said it all when he said, “Perfectionism spells paralysis” – it most certainly does.

So yeah. I was doing it with the smoking... I knew how to do it all along! Where’s my Glinda and my ruby slippers? Seriously, though - just recognizing that thought yesterday, in a moment I happened to not be obsessing about the whole situation – like totally broke the hold this discomfort had over me.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to express, it that I get it. Seebo, don’t make a big deal out of it. Does it suck? Yeah, but don’t make a big deal out of it.

Mah gosh its so simple… Who knew?

Did I mention

That staying present is hard right now? Because boy howdy lemme tell ya, staying present is hard right now.

It feels like its time to confront some [formerly] closeted skeletons. Things I've been working around for just about ever... You know, core issues. Things impeding my spiritual growth and serenity. Nothing trivial.

I hear I'm supposed to not do anything. I am, in fact, supposed to do nothing.

How the hell do I do nothing? Isn't doing nothing doing something? How can I judge whether or not I'm doing nothing right? Yes, that is indeed as retarded as it sounds.

That's my m.o. - Seebo, self-critical to the last drop! Now with 100% more introspection!

Ugh. Its sooo haaard. I feel like a whiny baby, and it does not escape me that perhaps that's because I'm being a whiny baby. However, that does not escape me that perhaps I should tell that self-critical voice that just said that to suck it.

And then - THEN - I think that I'm using too many "thats" and that's just not good writing.

My crazy addict mind can do so much with so little. I have a sponsor who told me to do nothing, "just pay attention to how you feel" - it would be amazing how many things my mind can do with a simple statement like that (grrr) if it weren't so frustrating.

So here I sit. Uncomfortable. Mind racing. Should I just go buy a g.d. pack of smokes already? Should I eat something? Should I just sit here and tell myself "this is what crazy feels like and it will pass" - like I was told to?

"Like I was told to" - interesting choice of words on my part.

You see, in my mind, at times like this, when I'm all unsure and uncomfortable and want to look around for something (anything!) I can do to change the situation in any way possible I feel like other people have a handle on this thing called life and so I go to them for some bit of wisdom and they throw me some little chestnut like "sit with the feeling" - something so seemingly innocuocus and simple and sensible and I take it and strech it and stomp on it, bite it and put it over there and see how it looks and then take it down and roll it around on the floor, smell it for a bit, kick it, poke it with a stick... I just can't let it be. I just can't let myself be.

Except that I will be critical of my choice of the word "can't" - because I am capable of sitting with this mental and emotional discomfort, but I - I dunno - borderline "won't" - is that a better word?

I know its my addict-mind telling me that everything I focus on needs some action attached to it. Unfortunately for me at the moment self knowledge is not enough. And inaction is driving me crazy. Going crazy might be an action... Ugh. And so it continues...

KBO

Sigh...

I was super worried that because I had declined the invite to October's lodge because I was in Ireland and then RSVP'd to a lodge in November that I had to cancel at the last minute due to family obligations, and since I had only received the cancellation notice (due to cold weather) for the January lodge that I had fallen out of the good graces of the group. But no - not so! YAY! There's a women's lodge in March and I'm so all over it. I've been wanting to go, I think I need to go. I was just thinking about it last night, in fact. Now I just have to figure out how many prayer ties I need... I want to say 50 some, but I can't for the life of me remember...

I'm having a hard time being present lately. And from what I understand being present is kind of what its all about. I know moving to Ireland isn't going to magically make life wonderful and exciting. But I'm not looking for wonderful and exciting really. Generally contented, which I am for the most part. There are areas in my life where I feel completely... I don't know... frozen? Stagnant? Frustrated at my inaction? Because how can you not get upset with yourself when you know what you need to do to change something, but then see yourself, over and over, doing the thing you know needs changing?

I operate out of fear a lot. A lot more than I'd like to. I really like my new apartment. I really love my animals. I really love my family and my homegroup and my neighborhood and the normalcy and stability... Maybe love is to strong a word. I mean, I love my family and my pets, but do I love normalcy and stability? I suppose I prefer them to abnormalcy and unstableness. There's just got to be more to life than this.

I'm a city girl. I don't know if I can do hard core rural. Granted, its rural Ireland, which is totally different than rural America. But there's not going to be a Starbucks or a DSW or a Macy's. Do I really need those things? No, I really don't. But its so comfortable to know they're around.

Comfort zones. I heart my comfort zones. And when I leave them I get all uncomfortable (and ascaredes).

I certainly don't want to entertain my ego by saying I just know I'm destined for greatness, but I feel it in me. Not "Greatness" as in the world will bow down before me, but personal greatness... Doing things I know I can do. Taking more out of life than just doing what I feel I'm supposed to cause its the responsible thing. Seriously. If I can pull off working with horses living in the crazy wild beauty that is county Clare, well, that's just freaking bad ass.

I worry (full stop) that I'll get there and let all this doubt creep in. Which brings me back to not staying present. I'm worried about whether or not I'll worry.

I suppose, to my credit, I do keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will happen. I recognize that thoughts aren't real and that I just need to let go of the illusion of control... But really, that's not an easy thing. My higher power probably isn't going to book my flight or rent me a flat... Or are they? Hmmm...

I'm tired. What a weird day.

Today is hard. I feel like I’m all over the place. My mind is racing about a thousand different things and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and rest. Alas, I am at the office…

I had a great dream on Friday after asking for some sort of a sign that I’m on the right path. Long story, just really want to document it for myself for the future… It involved a medicine man and the number 19 (which how do I even look up the significance of? Is “19” significant, or is it 1 (1+9=10 1+0=1), then is 18 also significant since the person who wasn’t chosen was 18?).

Then last night before bed I was moved to pull my runes – just a simple past-present-future spread. Mannaz (reversed), Ansuz, Ehwaz (reversed). It made total sense to me, I love my rune stones – they have always been so good to me. Basically I can see in that that in the past I wasn’t ready to embark on this big Moving-to-Ireland journey. That we don’t always have all the options – does that make sense? ALL the options aren’t always truly open to us. Makes sense in my head. Then Ansuz – being about signs and messengers and gifts… totally where I’m at today, and what I question. I try not to question “signs” for lack of a better term, but its hard when you have to walk around “practical society” – and then Ehwaz… first of all being “the horse” - come on. Although it was reversed, which sort of warns me against moving away to avoid things, but also I think portends getting my act together so that I can move, freely and unencumbered.

I hope this makes some semblance of sense. I feel like there are about 100 watts going through a 20 watt receptacle. Me being the afore mentioned receptacle.

2008 was clearly not about Seebo blogging...

Someday I'll refocus and keep this updated. There are way too many things going on in my head. It seems the more I try and find order and direction amongst them, these head things, the more elusive and chaotic they become. Hard to pin down, one might say, if one was so inclined to say such things...

Long story short (too late)

Still clean and sober (w00t)
Moving to Ireland (target date January in the year of our lord two thousand ten)
- Excited
- Scared shitless
Can't decide what sort of lingering energy is in my apartment. It could have been just that one rug. I never did have a good feeling about that rug. Huh.

That's about it.