Well whaddaya know?

Oh mah gosh I think I totally get it! I was driving home yesterday afternoon, or possibly walking to my car, I’m not sure when the exact moment of realization was, but I do remember talking to myself out loud about it in the car… Cause that’s how I roll. Quite literally, apparently….

Anyhoo – so this whole “sit with the pain” and “find ease in the pose” and “just acknowledge the discomfort and let it go” bullshit that’s been driving me crazy the last couple days – the whole “do nothing” business… I get it! Its totally what I did with smoking! Or with not smoking, asitwere.

I “quit” smoking on January 12th of this year. I say “quit” because #1) I smoked one cig around January 22nd and one cig this last Tuesday and b) (yes, I did that on purpose) I can’t say I “quit” – that I’m “done” – that “I will with 100% certainty never buy another pack of squares and smoke them and enjoy it ever again!” I’m not smoking now. I didn’t smoke yesterday.

Sort of very much like what I did with drugs and alcohol, except different. But similar. But different. I digress…

The first few days without my beloved Camel Turkish Silvers sucked. I pretty much just took to bed. My mentality was “its not a big deal, just don’t make this a big deal” – its gonna suck whenever I quit, and eventually one has to quit, so just do it and DO NOT make a big huge deal out of it cause that will do nothing but make it a BIG HUGE DEAL.

AND THAT’S IT! By the gods – that’s what all these crazy helpful people were trying to tell me. “Just acknowledge it and let it go” means, well, just acknowledge it! And then let it go! I just say (think) it different – Seebo, just don’t make it a big deal.

Because I know my mind. My mind (as is evidenced by the two previous posts) will seize on anything I happen to focus on much like a drowning man seizes anything floaty which happens to float by... Always forcing (or attempting to force) action where apparently no action is necessary. Not even action not being necessary, there IS no action to take. There is literally NOTHING that needs to be done. Bear with me here, I'm like just now getting it all over again - its like when the sun rises. Seebo doesn't need to take an action, it will just happen. And there we have the freedom that comes from recognizing our powerlessness, which is actually the most empowering thing of all... Ack! Its so beautifully, awesomely simple!

So when people tell me to just sit with the pain and I’m all like, “How? Really, HOW? Do I sit facing north-northeast? In an arm chair? Arms resting on the armchair or in my lap? Palms up or down? Are my eyes open or closed… Maybe I should put on some ‘sounds of the ocean’ or Gregorian chant – or would that be distracting…” – I’m making it a big deal. Eu-fucking-reka! I take everything so literally, and am so self critical, I feel like I need to know exactly what other people do (EXACTLY) so that I can do it to just like they did (because clearly they must know something I don’t), and if I just do it exactly right and perfect like they do then everything will work out perfectly and life will be perfect. Okay, so life won’t be “perfect” but it’ll be way more awesome than it is because clearly I am doing it wrong. Whatever “it” may be in any given situation.

How could I ever possibly live up to that expectation? I know I can’t. I know my mind’s default setting to that level of trying to maintain “perfection” (when in reality I am already perfect in my imperfection as the universe has planned me to be) is what’s not doing me any favors. Winston Churchill said it all when he said, “Perfectionism spells paralysis” – it most certainly does.

So yeah. I was doing it with the smoking... I knew how to do it all along! Where’s my Glinda and my ruby slippers? Seriously, though - just recognizing that thought yesterday, in a moment I happened to not be obsessing about the whole situation – like totally broke the hold this discomfort had over me.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to express, it that I get it. Seebo, don’t make a big deal out of it. Does it suck? Yeah, but don’t make a big deal out of it.

Mah gosh its so simple… Who knew?