What's brown and sticky?

Two hours of laying awake in bed is enough. Insomnia can suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard... Of course, by 5 AM I'll be sleepy. Then I'll have to struggle with the do-I-go-to-sleep-for-two-hours-or-should-I-just-stay-up-I-have-to-leave-for-class-by-8-anyway routine. Good times. Good fucking times...

So happy Sextober to all ya'll. That's what my best-friendy called it last night, and I love it. I've been trying desperately to fuck away this one guy I may or may not have accidentally fallen in love with. So far it's only kinda working. As of today Sextober has provided me with some "distractions," some far better than others, but all of them not this one guy. That's what I think I'ma call him: This One Guy. I did actually see This One Guy once this month, but yeah... not looking too good on that front.

Stupid This One Guy.

This One Guy doesn't know if he can deal with admitting there is intimacy between us. This One Guy doesn't know if he can handle it. This One Guy said he wouldn't freak out and disappear, but that if he did freak out he'd do it in person.

This One Guy is not a liar. This One Guy just gets too depressed to deal with life. This One Guy says he might not believe in the world. This One Guy calls himself an asshole, but This One Guy is totally using that as an excuse because he's too afraid to try. I can totally understand This One Guy. For all the good thats done me.

I offered This One Guy me - not a committed relationship, but rather pure friends with benefits. I like making This One Guy happy. I'm way too busy becoming an awesome archaeologist to worry about an official relationship. "Relationship" to me at this time implies loss of some freedom, or some sort of responsibility. That's not quite what I'm after. Right now. Right now I want a friend, who I can be with and then "be with" - in the biblical sense (wink wink). I don't want to worry about what happens when I'm not around, or be forced to attend couple-y events (nor to force someone to attend the aforementioned events, for that matter).

This One Guy is so cool. This One Guy is a humble intellectual, which is a rare commodity. This One Guy is a humble artist, an even rarer commodity, if that's possible. This One Guy is a fantastic kisser. This One Guy is sexy as hell and the most amazing lover I have ever known. I really wish I could hate This One Guy.

I can no more hate him than accept his "I'm just an asshole" excuse. I recognize myself in him. I understand him. There is just something about him that is amazing.

Ugh, god. What does it even matter?

I was talking to my sponsor about this, because that's the sort of thing I do in these situations. I needed validation (hmmm... acknowledgement?) that I'm not simply justifying to myself a willingness to accept less than I deserve. I don't need a boyfriend. What I want is a lover. This One Guy was awesome. It was nice, naked intimacy - not just a mechanical booty call. She heard me. She understood. That made me feel somewhat better. Now if only This One Guy would do the same...

I decided a long time ago that I was over trying to convince people how awesome I am. I'm pretty fucking awesome, you know? I play with dead people, I'm arty, I'm smart, I'm sorta hilarious. I can be adorable. What's not to like? Man, I wish I was the sort of person who met awesome people like me all the time, so much so that all these awesome folk become disposable. How great must it be to be that person? Pretty fucking great.

I read something somewhere that said for men its less about the person than the timing. Okay, fine. That is understandable. I can intellectually grasp that, but I'm just not built that way. I don't believe in accidents, I only believe in on purposes. When someone is put in your path it's for a reason. People aren't disposable... and what I mean by that is that I'm not so ungrateful for what life chooses to offer up to me that I would turn something great down because the timing was off. Its not a for sure thing that you're going to just continue to meet awesome people, ya know? Its like when I was in high school and had a friend who wanted to be married when she was 30. What the fuck is that? I never got that. Who's to say that anyone would ask her by the appointed time? Someone did, but she was 33. Close, I suppose... I guess what I'm saying is that when something extraordinary crosses my path I don't want to just waste it... Its extraordinary, after all. The nature of existence is transitory, but I'm going to try to care for it and nurture it so I can enjoy it for as long as possible. And by possible I really mean mutually beneficial.

Don't even get me started on this "I have to protect you from me" bullshit. I fucking hate that. Who are you to decide that I don't want you after all? And who asked you to protect me from anything anyway? I'm going to make mistakes in life, thank you very much, and if you happen to be one of them I kindly ask you to step aside and let me take the chance. Junkie ex-boyfriend did that to me too. I HATE it. Really, you're not doing my any favors. Or yourself for that matter. This is life, we only get one lap. Ugh. Maddening. Its abosfuckinglutely maddening. And a little egotistical if you think about it. Go on - think about it. Do it now. Am I right? Of course I'm right. Gah!

Clearly I'm a fan of tragedy. I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. What fun is simplicity when complicated and intense is an option. Why would I ever want to take something easy on?

Its not the end of the world. Its only been a week and a half. I really cannot see This One Guy just never calling me again. I just hate waiting.

I should really be studying for my History mid-term. Instead I'm writing a lame blog about my lame heartache. Lame, lame, lame. I should really be asleep actually, but here we are. I'll sleep tomorrow I guess.

I was laying in bed thinking about depression as an act of passivity. Not that it's not real, or horrible... I am intimately familiar with it. But the only way out of it is to take an active role. Which is tragically ironic, being that - aside from joy - depression robs one of just about any and every thing which might enable someone to take action to move through it. Couple depression with fear and yeah... Depression, fear and a vehicle to avoid dealing and you have one paralyzed person full of hurt and helplessness. Except they aren't actually helpless. It's just hard to realize as much when you're in that position. And fear? Fear is always gonna be there. Everything is scary. That's just no excuse for inaction.

I don't know.

In other news, A stick. Is brown and sticky.